Thursday, 1 December 2011


I'm snowed under even thought the temperature of our Queensland summer is now regularly reaching over 30degrees.I have a spectacular lineup for this month's Gaieties, it's world AIDs day so all will be dressed in red and we'll be collecting money for charity. Drag queens, live music and tinsel, we have it covered.

Bertie Page Pin Up Club is also hosting its first Salon for Sydney fashion house "Gallery Serpentine." There'll be a free glass of bubbles while I entertain you with tales of the history of the corset, the sexy, the romantic, the macabre...

Thursday, 15 September 2011

The Clinic has just returned from a relentless 5 weeks of touring in Europe and it’s straight back into preparation for our next Australian tour. In the month of October we will be bringing The Cannon Ball to Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne and Tamborine (for those of you who don’t know it Tamborine is a lovely rural town just south of Brisbane, a hang out for all kinds of groovy people especially if you’re into pottery or making jam).

This show’s got the lot, a rock and roll pirate masquerade with live bands circus and burlesque, what more could you ask for? ( if you want more you can get fucked) 
But the most important part of The Cannon Ball is that it is raising money for Sea Shepherd, if you don’t know who they are turn on the news, they’re the people with the funny shaped boats who are always stalking Japanese whalers, throwing non harmful projectiles and are occasionally rammed themselves, awesome! These are conservationists with guts, they risk their own lives to save endangered animals, they come face to face with fuck off big ships, ships with enormous harpoons and say “Me and my whale friends are gonna kick your arse!” The fight over whaling in the Pacific has been obscenely long and ineffective, sea shepherd have proven time again that piracy is the only way!
In the late 70s they did a lot to protect baby seals in Canada, which were being killed for their fur in their hundreds of thousands. The Sea Shepherd crew went out on the ice and sprayed a permanent dye on the baby animals to render their coats worthless. I wish I were there, imagine the sight of 1000 pink and blue baby seals, excellent :)
If you want to know more about these modern day pirates come along to The Cannon Ball, have a good time knowing that you are helping protect so many cute, chubby sea mammals. 

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Carnivale after party

Mask, it can be a movie with Cher or a key to sensual encounters with spritely young lesbians. On Saturday night I entered the world of the masked entertainer at the Wickham Hotel..... it was the Pride Carnivale after party. My first roving outfit was a lovely ballroom frock in lace and organza teamed with a rubber zebra mask. With the mask completely covering my head I could only experience the club through the mouth and nostrils of the zebra, I could see the light up floor and many pairs of breasts which were proudly on display.

Masks have the ability to break down boundaries and dissolve inhibitions, Saturday night was no exception. When the zebra appeared on the dance floor the girls pounced, pawing, stroking and grabbing me for photos. I could smell many bouquets of girly perfume, I could feel denim and lycra and overheating flesh under latex tube dresses. After about 2 minutes I had decided that this is the best roving gig I had ever taken.

Then they started peering down the nostrils of the mask, trying to see if there was something nice inside or if there was really a scrubber under there. Over again the mask filled with the heady scent of vodka and lip gloss infused breath. There was lots of mask licking and one girl jammed a cigarette in the Zebra’s mouth. At one point I had three females attached to my body grinding away at my legs, I felt like a rock covered in lesbian limpets. After begging me to show my face I lifted my mask for a pretty little dark haired girl, she was pleased and I apologised for the pool of sweat that came gushing out of the rubber mask. Somewhere in the blind sensation of hugging, petting and dancing I’m pretty sure someone bit my boob, but I guess I’ll never know.

When the next costume was due I changed in to my “Disco Duck” outfit. Disco Duck was a one hit wonder from 1976, it is one of the most bizarre and inexplicable pop songs of the 20th century. The song was closely followed up by “Disgorilla” that was just shit. My Disco Duck costume is a skimpy lingerie set covered in rubber ducks. The ducks were greeted with keen dancing partners but not the cheeky abandon stirred up by the zebra.

The last roving outfit was a plush lion, back into full mask. Everyone wanted to hug the lion who looks like a giant soft toy except that the fur onesie has an open flap at the back where a human arse peeps out. I love to approach people skipping and waving my hands like a happy, stuffed toy then turn around to show them my bare arse, I think it gives the audience a thrill too. I peeped through the hole under the lion’s chin, a big bear (ie big hairy man) said to me “you’re a lovely boy” then he grabbed me tight and growled near my ear “Yes you are a lovely boy, you can sleep in my bed any night.” It wasn’t till a later discussion with friends that I realised most people probably thought I was a boy. Yes there are boys who have an arse like mine and the rest of me was covered. Most probably didn’t even think I was an entertainer, they probably thought I was a Plushie living out my fetish on the dance floor. If you don’t know what a Plushie is, google it, that is your homework.

PS. I’d like to thank the Wickham Hotel for a great night, please have me back (SOON!)